Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
You Might Also Like
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist