Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*pronounces fake like saké*
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you