SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
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Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left