Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Can’t. Being lazy.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.