I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Can’t. Being lazy.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
“We will wed,” I threatened
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are