They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
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Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*