Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
The 6 types of sex
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.