All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I feel it
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
respect
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift