I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Cardio Made Easy
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?