GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end