[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
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If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember