Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
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4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?