One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
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Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.