*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?