guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
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ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.