“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
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*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms