*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
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do u think theres a butter planet?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.