No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
You Might Also Like
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I am having an out of money experience.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My background check bounced.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.