Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
This bar smells like my childhood.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years