Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
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Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero