Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Otters see a butterfly.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!