[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me