I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
this came to me in a vision
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.