Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something