“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
You Might Also Like
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Dear Lord..
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
#Caturday
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.