When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.