Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.