me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
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You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.