Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
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imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Noah
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃