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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again