[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.