Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
This is true.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
the last thing a carrot sees
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”