My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
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Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
We found love in a hopeless place.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.