If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
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Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet