I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
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Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.