Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank