Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
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I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.