I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
You Might Also Like
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
i want to work in this restaurant
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.