Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
britain’s three elite institutions
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.