Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
You Might Also Like
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.