“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
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most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
*bites zombie*
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam