Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
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it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Discuss
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.