You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
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Flowers bee like
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?