“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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[montage of me giving-up]
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
i choose….tongue
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense