Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
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People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
#Caturday
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.