My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
You Might Also Like
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
🤣dope
🛁
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.