[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
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[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome