My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
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Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.