I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
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I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*