I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”